today was one hell of a day.
it started with a call from my father. my mom had been VERY against me going to work in person, and I had been trying to convince her to let me go in person. they were discussing my workplace, and my parents deemed it ridiculous that I even wanted to go to work. she thought that I was the weak link in the family, and I seemed the most perceptible to COVID, and therefore shouldn’t go — even though my sister was going to school, and undermined the seriousness of my work. my dad talked to me through the phone, and got very angry very quick.
he blamed me for being unorganized and not transparent about my work. I battled this by saying that I deserve the same freedom as my younger sister, but he said that her schoolwork is the priority here, especially since my work was an extension of my schoolwork, and I was only in Japan to seek refugee from COVID — and therefore should act like I am a guest here in my own house. I got emotional quick because I was stressed from all the previous stress, and before I even realized, my father started verbally abusing me.
he said that when I committed to college, I said I was going to be more responsible with myself, but for him, being responsible meant relying heavily on approval from my parents and putting the family first. however, I wasn’t going to sacrifice my career for my family, and I thought I was being responsible by being independent and making my own decisions and committing to them. then, he started attacking my character. he said that if he were my boss, he would be crying and regretting his decision to hire me, and that he feels bad for my boss. he said I was unemployable, and the thought that I could even get a job in the us was funny to him. he said he would never want a resource like this in his office, and that I was an unorganized fuck who isn’t ready to be an adult, and needs to learn to be mindful of others before even thinking about employment. he threatened that if I didn’t do it right, whatever his thought of right was, that he would call my office and force me to quit, and also call in to quit college and send me back to college near home.
this broke me because its one thing to attack my personal character, which I am used to, but to attack me professionally and threaten to take away my education and work experience, which I worked hard for. I don’t think professionals need to seek approval from their parents in order to work, and everything frustrating that I was holding back, every little thing that I got picked on, and the thought that no matter what I did, even if everybody else thought I was successful, I would always be despicable and unworthy for my parents crushed me. I know I don’t need their approval, but it was difficult when their words are the only physical words that is near me, and when ever physical word that is directed at me is negative.
so as soon as the call ended, which my mom said thank you to my father for doing, I collapsed and went into a panic attack. I was suppressing the panic during the call, but I was too scared to do something. but when I heard my mother say thank you, which meant that she agreed with what he said, I didn’t know what I could do to get away from it and how to survive the next few months. I texted my best friend some final words and went into a panic attack for around 30 minutes. it was the worst one I had ever had, where it just wouldn’t stop, my entire body got cramped up and I couldn’t move, and my head felt like someone had grabbed it. somehow, my mother cut the call with my father and heard me gasping for air. she came to my room and I had to confess to her that yes I panicked a lot, and that it was because of her and my father’s constant criticism, helicoptering, and judgement that made me feel helpless. I’m not sure how much of it she got, and whether she thought that my mental health issues were just at the panic attack, but I told her I had been feeling this way since college applications and that I only feel this trapped in Japan. I told her it was her nitpicking at me that really got to me, but im not sure how much of it she attributed it to herself. she ended up giving a gentle lecture that I should be more confident in myself (low self-esteem doesn’t work like that but okay) and that she was already employed when she was my age so that is why she feels the need to nitpick (her environment and her company style is SO different from what I am doing but okay). she told me I need to start telling her these things (the reason why I don’t tell her is because im so scared of her judgement) and that I need to be more transparent overall (again, im scared of her opinion). I didn’t tell her all these retorts because I was emotionally drained just by telling her that she was the reason, which was something I thought I would never be able to tell her. I don’t know if my dad knows, and she won’t tell my sister (I might at one point).
I am very emotionally exhausted. my mother apologized to me after for not knowing that this happened and for not being able to realize, which is a step in the right direction. she cried a bit too, which made me emotional but also scared that my father will get mad at me for making her cry. I will forgive but not forget — I will seek peace for now and consider this the last time I ever live with her, and because of that I will try my best to be as good to her as possible. but I will never be able to forget what happened and how I felt, and I will never put myself in this position again.
