today has been pretty low-key events wise, but a rollercoaster emotionally. my father has been back for two days now, and i’ve already had my second breakdown. I felt really attacked this morning when for brunch, my parents commented on what I eat and how I look, again. they then left the house together to go shopping, and after that I was on my bed crying for a solid hour before staring into space for another hour. I then did what I usually do when I feel this way — start watching tv on my computer while pretending to do work in order to deny what I am feeling.
before dinner, my mother asked me to help her make gyoza. I couldn’t refuse and said yes, but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was being used once again for her benefit, and I couldn’t say yes to this because of the power imbalance.
during dinner, my sister started playing a song guessing game, as well as making us talk about what she is learning in school then dismissing us as stupid when we didn’t know the answer. she reminded me of all the obnoxious people I knew during high school that liked to rub their superiority complexes in my face. she also played songs from her spotify playlist, and I felt super uncomfortable when the song shots was playing. she clearly didn’t know what the song meant, although my dad did, and I got up multiple times during this because I felt so uncomfortable. I know the song by heart because of karaoke with my friends, but this was definitely not pg enough for the dinner table; my dad made it worse by commenting about it later. my sister had no idea what this meant and continued playing her song guessing game which I found cringey, and when I brought up how cringey it was to my family, they proceeded to all attack me by telling me I probably talk about music all the time with my friends and that I was being a hypocrite. this annoyed me because while I was her age, I wanted to play my music aloud but was never allowed. after I finished eating, I tried to remove myself from the situation in total so that I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. as I was walking out of the room, I heard my family behind me commenting on how my thighs moved when I walked, and I especially heard my dad commenting about my droopy my butt looked.
- post 1 (day 1!!!)
