ok — so its been a while and friendships are ok.

im just having a lot of trouble with self love. i hate my face when i look in the mirror, and it reminds me of every ugly part of me that my parents pointed out to me growing up. my eyes are too small, and my smile is weird.

i think im going to go off social media for a bit, since i always feel like the ugliest most undesireable human ever. doesnt really help that my friends are super hot ugh.

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today brought back so much family trauma. my sister was surprised i remembered our dad’s birthday, and i got really triggered by that. i had to go for a walk for an hour just to calm down my anxiety and tears. i think i was offended that she thought i was somebody who didnt care about family and forgot about my dads birthday. hes an asshole, but i still remember his birthday. its not that i dont care about family, its just that it hurts too much to be with them. im sure theyll do some blaming on some part for not being there for his birthday, and my moms birthday which is also coming up.

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i think my parents are presenting me with RIDICULOUS roadblocks because they want me to follow a set path that they envision, something that im clearly not doing.

they think i will just give up at one point and start following what they say.

ive thought about giving up and…

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my anxiety is out of control and ive had normal and bad days.

the whole moving process is making me super anxious, and ive had REALLY bad days thanks to it, to the point where i cant write or do anything. the thought of going to houston and being with family makes me so utterly depressed, and i know that i wont possibly be able to handle that.

just talking to my dad through the phone now gives me panic attacks. i just wish that i could be away from my family and take time for myself to heal.

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ive recently stopped being able to feel as sad when my family does something shitty to me. its scary that im almost now used to them when they are shitty, and surprised when they do something remotely good.

i guess its a good thing for my mentality in that i wont be as sad, but its just driving a bigger and bigger rift between me and my family. i feel like the point of no return is coming soon, and that’s scary as fuck.

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i feel like because im never allowed to make my own decision, i dont know how to do that anymore.

my family also booked their flights for moving. they didnt book mine, thank god. but still, they didnt and havent told me they booked. why?

my situation is so unstable right now, i got so many new projects assigned for work, and on top of that schoolwork is getting stressful with midterms and quizzes and assignments. i am so overwhelmed, but i just cant stop to take care of myself.

at this point, my happiness is the best revenge. one day ill live me and do me.

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